if you like me you must not know who I am
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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