So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
