the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
