then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize