I am spending my child support on dildos
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
