half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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