Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
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