He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize