I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I fill condoms, not promises.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
