I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
