hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
