I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
