If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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