A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
