There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
