I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
