I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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