i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
