I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
We have started to decorate penises.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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