sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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