Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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