I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize