if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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