Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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