That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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