so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I think I won the penis lottery.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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