i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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