We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize