I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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