Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
