She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
