I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
