just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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