you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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