you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
