What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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