OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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