If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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