I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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