I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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