he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
