I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
i think i just lost a toe
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
