Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
