So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
