Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
