My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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