She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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