I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
