clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
How does one acquire holy water?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
