Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
