i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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