I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
