It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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