pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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