The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
