I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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