after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
