I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
only you would photoshop your dick
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
