If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
