I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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