i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Welp...herpes.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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