I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
