Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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